I LOVE celebrity roasts. It's always hilarious watching celebrities verbally bash the fuck out of each other on national TV. Comedians, along side with classically trained actors, actresses and celebrity guests throw all morals out of the window to say shit to each other that none of them would ever say in real life. I love it. It's possibly the greatest thing ever created for television, and is grossly underrated. This entry pays tribute to all roasters, one of them being the late Greg Giraldo. I don't think roasts will ever be the same again. In light of that, I've compiled a list of all the one-liners and jokes that I thought were the greatest jokes in roast history (in no specific order):
Greg Giraldo (to Gilbert Gotfried):
"Who would fuck you?! You have the sex appeal of a school bus fire."
Jeff Ross (to Flavor Flav on being black and skinny):
"Starving children send YOU 50 cents a day."
Kat Williams (on Carrot Top):
"...if Ronald McDonald fucked Wendy's..."
Greg Giraldo (to Ice-T):
"Ice-T, you fucking fossil. Holy shit, you're so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom."
Seth MacFarlane (to Hulk Hogan):
"Hulk, your daughter, Brooke Hogan, has blossomed into a very, VERY beautiful young man."
"...Hulk, later on, when these jokes are explained to you, you're gonna be so pissed."
Greg Giraldo (to Carrot Top):
"Jesus, what happened to your face? You look retarded, how'd that happen? How did you find a sergeon that could add a chromosome?"
Jeff Ross (on Flavor Flav):
"This roast is impossible, how do you embarrass a crackhead who wears a Viking helmet? How do you roast charcoal?"
Greg Giraldo (on Joan Rivers):
"What have you done to your upper lip, did you blow a bee hive? Holy shit...you look like Stephen Tyler fucked a life raft."
Whitney Cummings (to Lisa Lampanelli):
"Your vagina is like a bad movie - it's opened wide and all the Wayans brothers have been in it."
Jimmy Kimmel (to Flavor Flav):
"Flav, I don't know how old you are but you don't look good. When I first saw you sitting up there, I thought it was an open casket memorial for James Brown."
Jeff Ross (to Seth MacFarlane):
"South Park called...they want their everything back."
"Most comics dream of performing in Las Vegas, Nevada. Bob Saget dreams of performing in Hanna Montana."
Greg Giraldo (to Seth MacFarlane):
"I do love that Stewie character on your show. He's great. You made all your money 'cause you created a fucked up criminal baby. You're like Michael Lohan."
Jeff Ross (to Joan Rivers):
"Nip/Tuck...What the fuck? This isn't a roast, it's an autopsy."
Greg Giraldo (to Flavor Flav):
"I love the crown, you look like King Lear trapped in a forest fire....You are one BLACK motherfucker. You're like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape."
Whitney Cummings (to Pam Anderson):
"Pam, you slept with Bret Michaels, Tommy Lee, and Kid Rock. Why don't you save yourself some time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood."
Lisa Lampanelli (to David Hasselhoff):
"David, I'm not saying you're an alcoholic, but your liver is so black and bloated it could have starred in 'Precious'."
Greg Giraldo (to David Hasselhoff):
"Hasselhoff you drunk fuck, your liver so shriveled, black and dead if you put your ear to your side, you would hear it say 'Whachoo talkin' 'bout Willis!?'"
Jeff Ross (to Courtney Love):
"How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?"
Lisa Lampanelli (to Betty White):
"Betty White is so old, that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire."
"Fuck you all and suck my hundred million dollar cock."
"Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J Fox at a parking meter."
John Stamos (on hosting America's Funniest Home Videos):
"[Bob Saget's] entire job consisted of saying "take a look at this." Which is what he used to say to Mary-Kate Olsen in her dressing room."
Jeff Ross (to Bob Saget):
"'Full House' should've been called 'Blackjack' 'cause you hit on the Olsens when they were eight, you didn't stop 'til they were 21."
Greg Giraldo (to Hulk Hogan):
"I can't imagine why your wife left you...you're an old man who dresses like a Hooters waitress."
Patton Oswald (on Flavor Flav's Reality Show):
*sigh* "The Flavor of Love...I didn't know syphilis had a flavor."
"Seth MacFarlane, come on everyone, take it easy on Seth, it's gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially if the Simpsons haven't done it yet."
"Lisa Lampanelli is here. Good to see you Lisa, I've never seen a circus bear in a pantsuit before....You are one...fat lady...you have more chins than a Chinese....fat chick with tons 'o chins."
Whitney Cummings (on Joan Rivers):
"Joan Rivers vagina is so old, there's a separate entrance for black cocks."
Greg Giraldo (to Snoop Dogg):
"Snoop, you're full of toxins, you've killed people and you've been banned from every country on the planet...you're like Chinese toothpaste."