Every so often, a list like this will show up on my blog. Some of the things I write in here are heavily influenced by the dumb things I notice every day but never, ever point out in real life. I devote a small portion of my time into compiling a useless list and then posting it when it is good enough to share.
A couple of these are inspired by the little facts of life that my favorite comedians point out, which I find very funny. And it's never positive by the way, it's always stuff like the tiniest things that are devastating or socially awkward moments. In light of that, it's interesting to share because YOU experience the same (in most cases). So again, in no specific order:
1. The Cubicle Phone Talker
These people are the reason why I have an iPod. It's nice to be in a position where you can manage multiple projects, talk to clients and attend high power meetings. But do you really have to talk so loud on the phone? Because really, the people across the office in accounting don't need to actually know that your neighbors dog took a steaming dump on your lawn. I sincerely hope one day, your doctor calls to tell you that you have some sort of genital wart and you inadvertently share that with everyone else.
2. Flakers
These people are irritating. Some of them are your friends. They're the kinds of people who you invite to parties, get-togethers, events or ask to hang out with you and your buddies. They are the types to say "Yeah, I'm so down, dawg!" and these certain individuals never fail to NOT show up or "flake". To the point where you just really don't bother asking anymore. And then they get sour when they're never asked again. Flakers are social poison.
3. "That" guy at the ATM
This is the guy at crowded events where ATMs are scarce. They are guys who are at the front of a 10 person line inserting their debit card into the machine, only to get completely rejected for 'Insufficient Funds' on $20. Then they bypass simple math and logic and try withdrawing $40. And then holding up the line by switching cards and repeating this process. By the time you get to the machine, half time is over.
4. Today's 'Parents'
People in this country believe that "Children are the future", meanwhile no one gives a shit about how to raise their kids. I'm not a parent, but coming from a child's point of view and how my parents raised me, people nowadays put in the absolute minimum into raising their kids. They're all like consumers that want to call customer service and complain like "Why does my son play videogames all day? I don't understand". Well, maybe because you bought him a fucking video game, you idiot! A developing mind rotting in the hands of an XBox is not a good idea.
In an era of technology and science, I don't see kids play outside anymore nor do anything productive. I've met loads of kids who haven't gone fishing, camping, rowed a boat or tied a knot. Childhood playground games I used to play, have been rendered obsolete by Call of Duty and Halo. It seems parents just stick them in front of a TV or videogame console and call it a day. A beautiful day - with green grass, blue skies, and hawks zooming down to catch fish that jump out of a river - is shit to a child that would rather sit at home and play Doodle Jump on his or her iPad.
5. Restroom Guy #1
I'm the only guy in my office who wears sneakers. So when you see a pair of Nikes in a bathroom stall, it's most likely me. However, that gives you no right to speak to me in the stall next to mine. To be truly honest, I don't want to hear how you're day is going while you're dilating your asshole, pushing out a shit. This is worse than water cooler small talk.
6. Restroom Guy #2
Sometimes I'll walk into a restroom with 10 open urinals and use the one at the very end. In rare cases, another person walks in ...and uses the urinal right next to mine. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it totally is. I HATE this. There are 9 other urinals and you have to use the one RIGHT beside mine. Why?! I REALLY hope your stream of piss bounces off a urinal cake and splashes into your mouth. The worst is when they try and strike a convo with you.
7. Empty Train Guy
One of the reasons why Public Transit sucks. This is the bastard that sits on the seat next to you on an EMPTY train car. It's empty! You can't spend the rest of the train ride sitting somewhere else?! He is the same as Restroom Guy #2, but worse. Because I have to sit next to this douche-bag for the entire duration of my transit. I picked this train car and this specific piece of seat so that perhaps maybe you'd sit somewhere else on the goddamn train. Trick: Move cars at the next stop.
8. Club Dudes
Also known as "The-Going-Out-To-Get-Laid Guys". These guys are pretty annoying. Most of them can probably kick my ass, since most are MMA wannabes and juice head Guidos, but I'm probably miles smarter than they are. They are usually in packs of 8 who walk down the 'bar street' in the same button-down striped shirt or Affliction tee. And Most of them end up at a Dennys at 3am, angry 'cause they couldn't close the deal and then go beat up some homeless person to get the anger out.
9. Lady At Self-Check Out
Whenever I am at a grocery store buying a carton of milk, I run into these idiots when I line up at the QUICK and EASY self-checkout line. What hinders the efficiency of this line up is the soccer mom scanning $300 worth of groceries because she is a self-entitled, real-housewives-of-Wentworth cunt and thinks she can do it faster than the people who get paid to do that. I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleedy dicks so I can get AIDS and fuck this lady and kill her with my AIDS.
Just kidding.
But seriously, I would grind up the groceries in a Cuisinart and blow it up her ass.
One.
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